Why does this bug me?

[bcholmes]

Siobhan asked me why this is bugging me so much.

"Is it because she's talking about things publically?"

No. I can understand that part.

I do have a problem with her take on a number of things, and her recollection of some events bears no resemblance to my own. It bothers me that there's such a wide gap between her recollection and my own.

What really sticks in my craw is stuff that I know we've discussed before and which I thought we'd worked out. It's like she's completely rewritten all those previous discussions into something... nasty.

And then there's stuff that, from my perspective, appears completely fabricated. Things she claims that I said or did. What's up with that?

Comments

[angilong.livejournal.com]

her recollection of some events bears no resemblance to my own.

But that's always the way of it, isn't it. Especially with exes. Maybe you could just file that under "to be expected"?

I'm sorry this is bothering you so much. :( I think the processing and discussing she's doing now is something she seems to need; I don't see any intent to hurt you there.

Question: is this bothering you because you're worried about what other people will wind up believing about you?

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

But that's always the way of it, isn't it. Especially with exes. Maybe you could just file that under "to be expected"?

*smirk* Yes, you're right, Angi.

I think the processing and discussing she's doing now is something she seems to need

*nod*. I think it's taken me all weekend to see that.

Question: is this bothering you because you're worried about what other people will wind up believing about you?

Yes, to be honest, that is a fear of mine.

Thanks for commenting, Angi.

Re:

[angilong.livejournal.com]

Yes, to be honest, that is a fear of mine.

Well, personally, I've come to understand that if partners and exes can find something to complain about about you, that just means you're a real person. And if I don't hear any complaints about you, that just means there's something I'm not hearing. And the exact nature of the the complaints is valid as (part of) one person's experience of you, but it's never "the whole truth".

I'm sure that anybody who really matters is wise enough to see that. And anybody who doesn't really matter doesn't really matter. Right? :)

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Well, to be honest, I've found reading what she's said to be helpful. Since I heard that the two of you had split up I've been worried, because you are both friends of mine for some value of friend and you are both Good People. So for a long time I've been wondering exactly what went on and worrying about how two people I believed to be Good People could end up falling out so badly. I was concerned that maybe I'd been wrong about one of you.

But what was I supposed to do - write email asking nosy questions of people I don't know that well? It's not easy to do that. Likewise, how was I supposed to hear about it without being forced to take a side?

As it is, I think the way she's handled it has been fair. After all, she wasn't to know that you would find your way into livejournal. Everyone uses their journal to vent - it's part of what they're there for. And it sounds like she is having a truly awful time at the moment. This isn't to say that you are to blame, though. From what I've read, I still think you're both Good People. I think you just had one hell of a misunderstanding due to different ways of doing things.

So don't be worried about what other people will think of you now. Yes, some people will take sides (particularly people who know her better than you) but the vast majority won't turn against you because of half a story. And even if they do for a while, they'll gradually get over it.

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

But what was I supposed to do - write email asking nosy questions of people I don't know that well? It's not easy to do that.

<nod>

I understand what you're saying. I'm pretty introverted, and I don't tend to volunteer a whole lot of information about Stuff that's going on in my head, but I'm really cool about people asking me nosy questions.

And it sounds like she is having a truly awful time at the moment.

Yeah. And I honestly wish it were otherwise. I commend all you guys for offering her support and hugs.

[(Anonymous)]

>As it is, I think the way she's handled it has been fair. After
>all, she wasn't to know that you would find your way into
>livejournal. Everyone uses their journal to vent - it's part of
>what they're there for.

I dunno. To me venting is something you do in a dark pub, or at a coffee-shop or curled up on a pile of pillows on the floor of your room -- it's a private thing to do with friends where you know the ears are always sympathetic ones.

Not out in the middle of a public space where *anybody* can see it.

>I think you just had one hell of a misunderstanding due to
>different ways of doing things.

There I can agree with you.

Siobhan

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

Not out in the middle of a public space where *anybody* can see it.

and archive it forever. don't forget that part.

[kalikanzara.livejournal.com]

I keep wanting to say something to this; I've had some recent experience with having friends that are still friends with both me and my ex-, and I had a lot of fears early on that there were going to be problems with her POV becoming the group POV, and I keep wanting to generalize and say something, and failing to get coherent.

Aha. I think it formulated.

I think I tend to try to see lots of angles, alternatives - I pr'y don't do it as much as I think I do (looking at myself with alternatives, how's that for recursion). I remember reading about cellege research about how one could show a minor fenderbender on video, and then by asking "Please describe the fender-bender" or "What happened at the crash scene", you'd get measurably different stories from people. People would tell you about the broken glass strewn in the street after the "accident", whereas the "incident" people would remember it differently. (In the vide, there was no broken glass, IIRC). I've also heard that memories, when accessed, change - we look at our memories through the filter of ourselves at that moment.

Urk. Um. None of this is really saying anything new, maybe, and it's the nth revision and I'm going home from work and taking a nap, now. But I'm just sayin', is all.

[(Anonymous)]

Sheesh. Of course it hurts. She is performing your break-up for her audience. She's brilliantly telling the story so that, while she is busy claiming responsibility for the things she did, she's also making sure the audience knows it's your fault.

Of course it hurts. And it's so slippery you can't hardly grasp it.^

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

Uh... have we met?

BC

not saying you're wrong...

[(Anonymous)]

We haven't met really, but we've been to the same con at least once. If you go to Wiscon this year, I'll introduce myself.

I read in the a.p board and now I guess around some corners of lj. I felt bad for you having all that dirty laundry spread around that I wanted to say something.

If I scared you by posting a comment here, I'm sorry. remember that beautiful twinkle stars are just balls of hot gas.

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

If you go to Wiscon this year, I'll introduce myself.

Okay, I look forward to it.

If I scared you by posting a comment here, I'm sorry.

<shrug> No apologies necessary. "Scared" isn't the right word; the complete anonymity was disorienting, though.