I think that one of the things I've been really slow to internalize about abusive people, they make themselves so fucking likable. It's part of how they get away with it.
In a book called What Cops Know, by Connie Fletcher, which consists of interviews with police in areas of the nation that were pretty high-crime during the 1980s and 1990s, one of them says this about child molesters:
"Whenever somebody says, 'Gosh, did you hear about that schoolteacher, that priest, that camp counselor, who abused the kid?' -- it doesn't surprise me. It doesn't surprise me a bit. I'd expect it.
"You know why? These people learn at an early age, usually at the onset of puberty, that they like kids. Everybody else is getting excited by the girls, but they get excited by little boys or girls.
"If they know then, they have a career choice to make. Now you could be a lumberjack or a schoolteacher. They put themselves in a position where they'l have contact with kids; if they're smart, they'll become a teacher, a priest, a youth counselor. If they're not smart, they might become the school janitor, the groundskeeper at a camp.
"So it never surprises me when a teacher, a priest, a Boy Scout leader, is arrested and charged with abusing a child. They knew about it, and they picked the profession deliberately."
Given the context of the post and the mention of Prince Andrew, I knew that Fr. Keith was going to be a molester the moment his name surfaced in what you wrote. And I'm sorry that your memories have been smashed by his actions.
I can empathize tremendously with this ".... what the HELL?" kind of experience and the feeling of betrayal that comes with it.
Not only have I looked up at the news to see the face of a former client who was being charged with soliciting a woman to exploit her child,* but I learned (again through the news) that my former employer was dead in a suicide pact with her husband. Whom I'd also known well, because we all worked out of the basement of their home where they ran their businesses. And while she was insufferable much of the time, he was kind, gentle, and seemingly genuine. Hence my surprise (repulsion, etc.) when I learned that not only did they die together in a suicide pact, but they did it because he was caught in a child-exploitation scheme showing up for what he thought was going to be an assignation with two high school freshmen girls but turned out to be a police sting.**
* UGH on so many counts, and although I didn't have the affection for him I've had for some clients, I thought well of him... and also he was a COP
** The full scheme was even more sordid than that - apparently his plan, as urged by his-wife-my-employer, was to get his urges satisfied and then have the two girls murder him because he couldn't live with himself having acted on it??? Which, I have to say, is honestly exactly the kind of completely absurdly horrible kind of thing she would have come up with, as opposed to, say "why don't you go see a therapist about these urges?" Him, I was stunned by. Her, no surprise at all.
A couple of years ago, a longtime friend and occasional lover of mine was accused of molesting the young daughters of his neighbor. I'd long considered him one of the few genuinely decent men in the world. Another friend, who was on the short list of people who'd get custody of Kit if something happened to us, fell so deep into alcoholism that she endangered her own children. I think of myself as a pretty good judge of character, and there really aren't words for how troubling it was to learn otherwise. It makes it so hard to trust anyone.
Holy crap. I'd say that slap in the face is an understatement. holy crap.
I don't know what's worse: that I've only known one admitted pedophile, an acquaintance long ago, or the fact that I probably know more than one and just am not aware of it.
I think I’m trying to paint a picture of my whiplash.
I think you did that very well, and due to your warning, I had a pretty good idea of where it was going.
I haven't had the experience of someone I know turning out to be a pedophile, but I have had people turn out to be abusers and it's jarring and made me question my instincts.
Fucking hell. That Maclean's article is harrowing. There are so many horrible aspects to this story and others like it, but one I keep coming back to is that it erodes our trust in anyone and everyone. I'm so sorry.
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regna
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-25 05:34 am (UTC)I think that one of the things I've been really slow to internalize about abusive people, they make themselves so fucking likable. It's part of how they get away with it.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-25 06:04 pm (UTC)"Whenever somebody says, 'Gosh, did you hear about that schoolteacher, that priest, that camp counselor, who abused the kid?' -- it doesn't surprise me. It doesn't surprise me a bit. I'd expect it.
"You know why? These people learn at an early age, usually at the onset of puberty, that they like kids. Everybody else is getting excited by the girls, but they get excited by little boys or girls.
"If they know then, they have a career choice to make. Now you could be a lumberjack or a schoolteacher. They put themselves in a position where they'l have contact with kids; if they're smart, they'll become a teacher, a priest, a youth counselor. If they're not smart, they might become the school janitor, the groundskeeper at a camp.
"So it never surprises me when a teacher, a priest, a Boy Scout leader, is arrested and charged with abusing a child. They knew about it, and they picked the profession deliberately."
Given the context of the post and the mention of Prince Andrew, I knew that Fr. Keith was going to be a molester the moment his name surfaced in what you wrote. And I'm sorry that your memories have been smashed by his actions.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-25 07:58 pm (UTC)Not only have I looked up at the news to see the face of a former client who was being charged with soliciting a woman to exploit her child,* but I learned (again through the news) that my former employer was dead in a suicide pact with her husband. Whom I'd also known well, because we all worked out of the basement of their home where they ran their businesses. And while she was insufferable much of the time, he was kind, gentle, and seemingly genuine. Hence my surprise (repulsion, etc.) when I learned that not only did they die together in a suicide pact, but they did it because he was caught in a child-exploitation scheme showing up for what he thought was going to be an assignation with two high school freshmen girls but turned out to be a police sting.**
* UGH on so many counts, and although I didn't have the affection for him I've had for some clients, I thought well of him... and also he was a COP
** The full scheme was even more sordid than that - apparently his plan, as urged by his-wife-my-employer, was to get his urges satisfied and then have the two girls murder him because he couldn't live with himself having acted on it??? Which, I have to say, is honestly exactly the kind of completely absurdly horrible kind of thing she would have come up with, as opposed to, say "why don't you go see a therapist about these urges?" Him, I was stunned by. Her, no surprise at all.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-25 07:57 am (UTC)A couple of years ago, a longtime friend and occasional lover of mine was accused of molesting the young daughters of his neighbor. I'd long considered him one of the few genuinely decent men in the world. Another friend, who was on the short list of people who'd get custody of Kit if something happened to us, fell so deep into alcoholism that she endangered her own children. I think of myself as a pretty good judge of character, and there really aren't words for how troubling it was to learn otherwise. It makes it so hard to trust anyone.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-25 11:41 am (UTC)I don't know what's worse: that I've only known one admitted pedophile, an acquaintance long ago, or the fact that I probably know more than one and just am not aware of it.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-26 07:18 am (UTC)I think you did that very well, and due to your warning, I had a pretty good idea of where it was going.
I haven't had the experience of someone I know turning out to be a pedophile, but I have had people turn out to be abusers and it's jarring and made me question my instincts.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-01-26 08:00 am (UTC)