Never Shout "Movie" in a Crowded Fire Hall

[bcholmes]

Is there anything your friends could do that you'd consider firing offenses?

Comments

[redbird]

I assume you mean "things that would make me no longer consider them friends" (rather than "that it would be reasonable for them to lose their jobs over") and of course there are. But the "of course" answers are things that are both obvious and unlikely (thus ruling out answers like "declare allegiance to a neo-Nazi group and start raising money for it" and "attempt to kill someone I love").

And now I'm wondering what you're getting at--looking for examples and what the lines are? Asking whether it's happened to us?

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess I'm asking, "how bad does it hafta be?" The neo-Nazi example is clearly in the realm of "bad enough" -- but yeah... where are the lines?

I think I'm reflecting on my own habits of being angry at my friends. Any time I'm annoyed or disappointed in a friend, I always start thinking about cutting ties with them. Okay, not quite *any* time. But I wonder if it's too frequent.

So maybe the question I'm really asking is what are people's experiences with reasonable and unreasonable divorcing from friends?

[firecat]

I frequently think about cutting ties with friends I'm angry or disappointed with, but usually I think of that as saying more about me than about the friends. That is, for me, fantasizing about cutting ties is one of my habitual ways of dealing with negative emotions. It's an escape fantasy. I fantasize about it a lot more than I actually do it.

I notice that what I feel like cutting ties over varies depending on my mood and on what sort of role the person plays in my life. If it were really about principles, it wouldn't vary so much, IMO.

The only time I've felt that cutting ties with someone was the right thing to do, was when they had done something I felt unable to "agree to disagree" with them about. I didn't feel that I could hang out with them, without constantly thinking about how I disagreed with them over this choice they made. And that would lead to a false basis for friendship since I would have to be keeping my mouth shut all the time about something that mattered to me.

I've cut ties for other reasons too but mostly I think they were kind of immature reasons, and/or the person wasn't that important to me and I no longer wanted to make efforts to hang out with them, so I used some incident as an excuse.

[deepforestowl.livejournal.com]

sleeping with one of their students.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I think other people break up with their friends more readily than I do. And that maybe I should sometimes when I don't.

[nex0s.livejournal.com]

The things that upset me about relationships with friends, tend to be the same things in romantic relationships. That said, there *are* certain friends that I give "passes" to on things that I don't let other friends get away with. Sometimes because I've known them for so long and the longevity of the r'ship takes precedence over their "mistake", sometimes because I realize that it's something integral to the nature of who they are, and that I'm willing put up with said behaviour because they are so important to me.

It really depends. And often longevity, or war-story-sharing type friends, get special passes that newer friends don't.

N.

[laura-seabrook.livejournal.com]

Being used as a chauffeur and being taken for granted.

I dropped one friend after it became apparent that this was the case, and she made no effort whatsoever to visit, or communicate with me, unless she wanted something like a lift.

[redbird]

Lying to me about important things. Again, this is probably scaled where one lie about something big enough might do it, and a consistent pattern would even if the individual lies were minor.

Some kinds of broken promises--forgetting or not living up to "I'll bring an extra cupcake" is no big deal, for example.

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

:::nods:::

The biggie for me is treachery, duplicity (which involve a type of lying).

[beaq.livejournal.com]

It's generally a pile of little things. I guess a major betrayal of some sort, where it was clear they were serving themselves at my expense, might do the trick. Or minor betrayals where it was clear they meant to continue.

[sabotabby]

Someone told me that most rape and abuse victims are lying. This made me stop talking to him.

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

I think for me it usually takes an accumulation. It's quite possible that there are single-moment things that would do it, but I haven't yet encountered it.

I'm speaking here of people I'd actually have called "friends" previously. I dropped an LJ friend's multiple accounts and trounced them from my Myspace list (which was just me entertaining myself with a momentary dip into dramaland, I suppose, since that was the first time I'd logged into Myspace in at least a year) because they posted a really racist joke and declared it to be the funniest joke they'd ever heard. However, they were only a friend in the "they were on my livejournal friends list," friend, not in the, "I would like to spend a day at the art gallery with them," sense.

[sarah-dragon.livejournal.com]

Thats a tough question because I think the word friend is one that if you ask 20 people to define you get 20 answers. For me a friend is someone who I would go to bat for on some level and is someone who has faults that I realize may very well be aimed at me from time to time. I know someone who is a pathological liar and occasionally those lies involved me, but I and his other friends understood this about the person. Its the same with the guy who burps at restaurants, the girl who is the crazy drunk, the person who picks their nose. Even someone who is say violently vegetarian or has some racist tendencies or other socio-political ideals that I am against. I just do not abandon people who may have a bad habit or one that is offensive IF they have qualities that are redeeming. Otherwise they would not be my friend in the first place. I mean after-all, I know I can be hard to live with and if someone is able to forgive my moments of insanity I should be too.

What really causes me to seek separation are those people who make you jump through hoops to be their friend. If they start demanding proscribed behaviors or if they treat me as a pity friend. I don't have many friends but I can do without one that feels sorry for me so allows me into their circle for that reason.

Maybe it is like everything else: respect. Once respect is loss by either or both, maybe its time to part ways.

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

When I have actually fired a friend - and there are two instances that comes readily to mind - it was when I became aware of a history of lying to me in order to manipulate me into doing things. Both very similar personality types, as it happens, which has left me very wary around people of that type.

I have a history of losing friends through not keeping in touch, but that's more my issue than theirs.

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

As it turns out, yes. Then they could talk about it on the internet, which would be worse, so I won't.

(Though I note that my experiences are not so much me firing somebody as the somebody quitting, so possibly not what you are looking for in any case.)

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

If somebody asks me to choose between being friends with me or being friends with someone else, I drop the one who asked.

I dropped someone for asking me to be unkind to someone she didn't like.

Re: Never Shout "Movie" in a Crowded Fire Hall

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

major betrayal of promise or principle. and yes, that has happened, but it's extremely rare -- it's been more than 12 years since the last instance. however, i also don't call people "friends" unless we're close -- most of my LJ flist, for example, are not friends, they're "friendlies" or "pals" or "friendly acquaintances".

as to what principles -- hm. it's mostly big ones -- racism, sexism, lying about important things that affect me directly. and not respecting me and mine.

i used to think i could be friends across much of the political spectrum, and i used to be able to more so than now (the paramour voted tory when we met, and i was once before involved with a british tory voter), but now i am not so sure. could i be close friends with somebody who voted for bush last time? i doubt it; that runs into the "incompatible principles" realm.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

Occasionally I may think about it if I'm annoyed with them, but it's really just a fantasy: because I'd never really do it, I have no power to change them, so I am going to have to put up with their annoying quirks forever. Which is actually a good thing, of course, and I realize that the 95% of the time that I'm not annoyed with them.

Most of the fireable offenses that come to mind are the obvious things that I'm pretty sure I'd be aware of before we became what I consider real friends.

I've dropped acquaintances when it became obvious that they only seemed to call me when they wanted something, or when I realized that I was always the one making the effort.

I dropped someone I'd considered a friend (though not a close friend) when she continually implied that everything bad in her life happened because she didn't have a husband to take care of her. I could have accepted that she lived in a Disney fantasy world in which she didn't have to ever make an effort and everything she wanted would just be handed to her, except for the implied corallaries that 1) Prince Charmings Husbands are handed out randomly; it made no difference that I'd made an effort to go out and meet people while she'd expected one to knock on her door, and 2)the good things in my life happened by luck, not because I made an effort to achieve them.