Damned Nut

[bcholmes]

When I was at WisCon last May, the ultra cool and sexy Ian Hagemann talked about "nut and bolt" issues in relationships. He said: "say you have a bolt. And say you have a nut. If they're threaded to the same gauge, they actually fit together. If not, it doesn't make a lot of sense for the nut to go around saying 'that godamned bolt. How dare it be threaded that way?' or for the bolt to say, 'that stupid nut. What is its problem?'"

I thought that this was a nifty metaphor. Has anyone actually succeeded in thinking that way?

Comments

[kalikanzara.livejournal.com]

I suddenly want to extend the metaphor to RF connectors, but then things get kinky.

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

not exactly "succeeded", since i've never had to try to think that way, i just did. it's always been clear to me that people can be very different from each other, and i am in fact surprised when a relationship (of any kind) with another person takes little work for me, and few adjustments to co-threading. and while i don't like it when it happens, love has therefore never been enough to make a relationship happen, and i've done much better since i acknowledged that out loud and didn't start things where i knew our threads didn't match in important areas.

that last part was the important realization -- when i was a teenager i thought i simply had all screwed up threads and would never fit with anyone else.

-piranha

[dunhamdancer.livejournal.com]

Interest thought. Let me ponder this for a while and i'll get back to you.

[hellsop.livejournal.com]

Not in that exact metaphor, but in the sense of knowing that sometimes a *relationship* per se just won't work, and that sometimes not even friendship can happen, then yes.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

if this is a metaphor that he applies to all relationships, then this is sadly yet another reason why i should never get involved with the ultra cool and sexy ian hagemann. ah, well.

but if it's a metaphor to be applied to some, then yes, years after the fact, i do think somewhat like that about some of my relationships. there was one case where after the hormones and the terror of "we're never going to have sex with anyone ever" wore off, it became apparent that we just weren't suited. there was some anger at the time, but now, at least to me, it just seems like a cross threading issue. (don't ask how old i was. you'll just laugh at me. ;)

and another one, where i do believe we are threaded to similar gauges and are managing to be slow careful friends, but one of us is threaded right handed and one is threaded left handed. which was a tad exciting to find out, let me tell you, but as i said, it's been a while.

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

if this is a metaphor that he applies to all relationships, then this is sadly yet another reason why i should never get involved with the ultra cool and sexy ian hagemann.

Can you elaborate on that? Do you think it's too simplistic a metaphor?

I can, for example, imagine situations where I might want to say "It's not that X and I are too different from each other -- it's that X was a complete asshole about such-and-such." (The example I'm thinking about as I write this isn't actually a recent relationship, surprisingly).

I think so

[starstraf.livejournal.com]

I know that there are not only certain issues but just certain people that as much as I love them a realtionship with them just would not work. And sometimes it takes being wtih them for a while to realize that, and you have to end the realtionship. For example the amazing-ex-wife and I are still very close friends but just not good healthy partners for each other. (But then again I Have some ex's that it is more then that - and there is blame and anger)

Same is true for sexuality. one persons "WONDERFUL amazing sexual partner" can be a dud for someone else.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

yeah, too simplistic.

i am not as much of a cultural relativist as i used to be. some things that people do are just as good as the ways that i do them, but not suited for me. some things that people do are freaky and wrong and need to be kept far far away from me so i don't get hurt.

[gloriajn.livejournal.com]

That reminds me: is Ian on LJ, by any chance?

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

is Ian on LJ, by any chance?

Not that I know; I'd love to be told otherwise, though.

[angilong.livejournal.com]

I'm more like the bolt who keeps thinking, "why the hell do I always wind up involved with such NUTS?"