The pronoun game

[bcholmes]

Y'know, I think after ten years I'm no longer tolerant of your pronoun slip-ups.

Comments

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

ow.

*hug*

[redbird]

Quite. *hugs*

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Ten weeks might be forgetful.

Ten years? Passive-aggressive, to the max.

[gwenners.livejournal.com]

Likewise. It gets *really* old this far out.

Cheers,
Gwen Smith

[sonjaaa.livejournal.com]

It's hard for many people to adjust to the concept of a sex change.

[sonjaaa.livejournal.com]

Yeah the tag of "10 years" means the person is really slow to catch on to life's changes. Or it's hard for them to accept change because of their own personal issues or fears.

[lovelyangel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you have such annoying people in your environment, BC. *HUG*

I have a counterpoint -- not to advocate a change of viewpoint but rather just an anecdote of differing circumstances.

Last week I was in all-day meetings with a design team consisting largely of people from my company but also with two people from an application provider with whom we're contracting to have work done. On the second day I was leading the review of my requirements document, and at one point in the discussion I was referred to by the wrong pronoun -- which was quickly corrected. Immediately after that a second co-worker referred to me using the wrong pronoun -- followed by a quick correction.

I shrugged off the miscues as I'm apt to do but was a little amused wondering what was going through the heads of the people from the outside company.

I think my circumstances are probably different. These particular people -- and there are a number of others in the company who fit the pattern and have pronoun problems with me -- I worked with very closely for a number of years prior to 2000. But they've seen me only rarely since my transition. So most of their memories are of me from before. They're all Myers-Briggs SJs and thus are literalists and proceduralists -- and I'm sure gender transitions are difficult concepts for them.

Yet, they're all good and kind people with absolutely no feelings of malice towards me -- in fact, I believe them to be fond of me and highly respectful of me. It's just that there hasn't been much energy applied to flip that stubborn little switch in their heads -- I'm not around them often enough. It's been over eight years, and maybe it will be another ten before some of them have internalized the change.

I probably could have helped their mental acceptance if I used my full femme voice since my transition, but I don't do that. For some reason I've not been comfortable using that voice (unless I'm talking on the phone or dealing with service people). The voice I use is probably a little too close to my old voice, and that may make people go mentally into our relationship as it was in the old days.

There are other Myers-Briggs SJ's here who have been with me through my transition and with whom I worked with a lot post-transition -- and their mental switches did get flipped. They're funny in that they forget that I transitioned at all. People's brains are funny.

Anyway, unless I detect animosity, passive-aggressiveness, or lack of respect, pronoun slips tend to not bother me.

[sabotabby]

After ten years, people you knew for a long time have had time to adjust and practice using the correct pronoun if they're having difficulties. People who've known you within that time period and are still using the incorrect pronoun clearly have Issues.

[indefatigable42.livejournal.com]

I would say that's true if they're actually friends who care about how someone feels enough to learn about what they like and don't like.

Possible community

[laura-seabrook.livejournal.com]

Are you aware of tranny_rage? I haven't posted there yet myself, though by putting it on my friends list, I am reassured that I'm not the only one experiencing crap because of who I am.

responses

[laura-seabrook.livejournal.com]

My general responses to that nowadays tend to be:

1. Evil withering stare
2. looking around as if they were talking to someone behind me
3. turn-about by deliberately using the wrong pronouns on them
4. God awful losing my temper (see responses).

[futabachan.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I hear that professional assassins aren't nearly so expensive as they once were.

I'm just sayin'....

[disastrid.livejournal.com]

sigh. slow learner?

also, icon love.

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

Best. Reply. Ever.

[northbard.livejournal.com]

No excuse is acceptable after that time period. Pointe finale.

[marahsk.livejournal.com]

I tend to remember people the way they were first introduced to me. For example, I sometimes have a hard time internalizing that someone I've known for 5 years as "Johnny" now prefers to be addressed as "John," and I will occasionally slip up, while someone who I met after their transition has always been "she" to me.

So it may be that some of the people you encounter have trouble remembering any change, rather than having a problem accepting trans-gendered people.

Re: The pronoun game

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

Anyway, unless I detect animosity, passive-aggressiveness, or lack of respect, pronoun slips tend to not bother me

they bother me a bit, but i tend not to hold it against people unless they fit into the categories you listed. also, my circumstances are different as well, and much more confusing to people than BC's, so i have to give wider leeway.

Re: responses

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I really love your first three responses!

[baratron.livejournal.com]

Are we talking about people with whom you mostly interact online, or in what kightp called "my walking-around life" (as a lot of our "real" life does happen online)?

Also, *hugs* for having to deal with it.